Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Everybody Fights

Everybody fights. It is a part of any relationship. Not all fights are the same though, and everybody fights differently. I don't know how other people fight so I am only going to write a little about what I have learned about myself.

I am very passive. Overly passive. Not even passive aggressive because that's too aggressive. Men were designed to have an aggressive streak, to fight and wrestle and play rough. Somehow while I was growing up I was ingrained with the idea that aggression was a bad thing. Don't fight, don't yell, don't be angry. So I learned to stuff all those feelings and emotions away and not talk about them or let them out. I was a very angry person for a while because I didn't know how to deal with those feelings in a healthy way. I have since learned a lot about forgiveness and dealing with anger. That being said, I want to share something that I learned recently.

Usually if me and Rebekah get into an argument or even a fight, which doesn't happen very often, Rebekah is very outspoken and I tend to just shut up and ride it out or walk away till we both calm down and then talk it out later. That is not a healthy reaction on my part.

The other night during a fight, we were both angry and Rebekah told me to get out of the room and like always I went into the other room. I was sitting on the couch and I was really mad and frustrated and thinking about what happened when something clicked in my head. I realized that I should not be walking away from fights with my tail between my legs. As the leader of my family and the head of my house I should be dealing with the situation, not running away till Rebekah calms down enough for me to talk without getting yelled at. The problem was not that we had a fight or that we both got angry, the problem was a lack of respect on Rebekah's part.
Ephesians 5:33 - So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. 
 By Rebekah telling me to leave the room just because she knew I would and then she wouldn't have to deal with what was going on, she was stripping me of the authority that God put on me as the head of my house. I was surrendering my role as the leader. Once I realized what was happening I was no longer angry, I got up and went back into the bedroom. Rebekah glared at me and asked me what I was doing there. I told her that she was out of line and that it was not her place to be bossing me around and telling me what to do. As soon as I said that Rebekah calmed down too. She told me later that she was really proud of me for finally standing up for myself and that she had been craving that kind of leadership from me. She said that when we are fighting sometimes her emotions take over and if I don't do anything, she says and does things that are hurtful to me and to our relationship. She needs me to be the leader that God wants me to be. Not so I can not listen to her and make her do what I want but so that I can keep things from getting out of hand and we can work through things in a healthy way.

Everybody fights, but the fights don't have to end in anger and hurt. We can work through our disagreements in a healthy way that results in a stronger relationship and brings us closer together instead of creating wounds and driving us apart.


  1. Ben this is entirely true! My husband is the same way! It drives me mad! Next time you come to Minnesota to visit, let me know. In the mean time I think I'll just email him the url to your blog!

    1. Thanks! Have him check out my resources page, I have some really good books listed there!